Today is for the Benson's

No posts about me today. My emotions and thoughts are with the Bensons.

Stim check

I went in this morning to see if Bravelle and Menopur were doing their job. (Yes we are on a first name basis)

The nurse lead me back to the u/s room to take my blood pressure and temp. We were talking about how close I am getting and it made my stomach tingle just thinking about it. We talked about how bloated I am and how ready I was to be pregnant (shocker). She left to let me strip down to my knee socks and shirt while I waited for the other nurse to come in and check out my ovaries.

 When the other nurse came in I discussed how my left ovary has been kind of painful. Once the dildo cam was in she went to my lining first . I asked how thick it was, and she said it was good. So I politely asked for a number, almost 6.5. Then she went to my right ovary. All I could say was "oh my" and "those have really gotten big". She laughed and said: Oh honey, they are going to get a lot bigger. Initially when they looked at my follicles before medication I lied when I said I could see them. I mean I saw black dots but there are a ton of black dots on the screen. This time though I could see big black circles and knew for sure what I was looking at. Then she scanned to lefty the superstar ovary and giggled again telling me no wonder it is hurting and I saw a bunch of those circles all scrunched up against each other. When I asked how many follicle total she said a lot. I politely asked how many again and she said over 20. I just got a call from the nurse and my E2 is at 328. Crazy how my suppression check on the 23rd E2 was 16!

So far, so good. My next appiontment is on Friday at 8am central time so I would appricate some prayers and good thoughts that all is still going well. Then I go in on Sunday... At that point we will find out if our retreival will be on the 5th or 6th.

I will be 38 on 11/11/2013 which could also be my transfer date. Wouldn't a couple sticky little 5 day blasts be the perfect present? I think yes. I am young at heart so I am also assuming that my eggs are super young at heart too. :) I would also accept them as my Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Valentines present as well.

Lack of posting and stuff

I haven't been posting because I wanted to leave the post up to pray for Holly as long as possible.  I have added the picture her sister made to my sidebar. Please continue to send prayers and positive thoughts to Holly, Darren, Brinly and Jude.

Tonight will be day four of stims. I had a migraine yesterday and remembered once more how worthless Tylenol is. It makes me wonder if children, infertiles going through treatment and pregnant women keep them in business. The Lupron dosage went down when I started the Menopur and Bravelle but I am still not feeling great. I am super tearful and have no energy... so I pray.

There is power in positivity. There is power in his name. So when I don't have the words to say I just say Jesus. His name is prayer. He knows my wants and needs, he knows my heart.

I will have my next appointment tomorrow to see how I am progressing. I am pretty darn sure they are working by the way I feel so we will see if the doctors agree. I am humbled by all of you that have been through this multiple times. This is not for the weak or faint of heart for sure. Every moment of this journey will make me even that more grateful to be a mom.

And my friend that I had you guys pray for a few posts back that has been fighting the C word for the last year. Well, her scans came back clear!!! So happy.

Since the hormones are making me a little off today I will stop writing this all over the place post. Maybe my next post will be a little more organized. But maybe not.

Prayers needed! Please

I have become friends with Holly through blogging. I am in tears and lifting up every little ounce of prayer that I have to her at the moment. Please take a moment out of your day to do so as well.

I truly believe there is power in prayer. If you have it in your heart please post a link on your blog as well. I want as many  prayer warriors for Holly and Darren as I can get.

Lupron

So. Tonight will be day 5 of Lupron. Yes, the little needle part is great and side effects haven't been horrible. However I do have a few questions for those of you that have used it. This is what I have going on.

- bloating
- constipation
- headaches but only one doozie
- low back pain
- some sharp ovary area pains
- tears
- more easily irritated at work

Are these pretty common? I'm not going to complain because I know that Menopur and Bravelle are going to come with their own set of issues and mine aren't super bad. BUT. Is this normal? Or am I just having a bad week? :)

My husband has done a great job giving me the shots so far. Day one, I didn't even feel the needle go in.. Day two, he decided to go in fast since slow worked great the night before and it hurt pretty bad. Day three, go back to slow.. Well you get the idea. The stim phase starts on Wednesday so Dr. Lost will get to give me two shots a night instead of one. The two viles of Bravelle and one vile of Menopur can all be mixed together (whew). I will also go in for my first baseline check since starting the lupron on Wednesday.

Menopause has been fun.

Sunshine part deux

Danielle from Donating Hope nominated me for a sunshine award.. To be thought of is extremely sweet and made me smile. And I will take as many smiles as I can get! Below are the answers she asked. Thanks again Danielle!

1. Sweet or savory? Yes - I know it's not a yes or no question but I always need a little of both depending on my mood. I really love food.
2. What is your favorite season and why? Fall for sure - I love cooler weather and dressing in layers. I don't do hot very well
3. Favorite Bible verse or inspirational quote? Philippians 4:6-7 ; 6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
4. Favorite outdoor activity? walking and watching my husband play softball. Walking gives me peace and watching him play makes me smile because it makes him so happy
5. Favorite indoor activity? This is horrible, but probably sitting on the couch and watching TV. However I also enjoy a good book.
6. Any book recommendations? The Hunger Games Trilogy was awesome!
7. Do you dye your hair? If so, why and do you remember your natural hair color? As an ex hair stylist before going into finance I must correct you. :)  You "dye" and egg and you "color" your hair. haha. I highlight my hair, but my natural color is a light brown. (I think)
8. Any tattoos? If so, what is the significance behind them? No tattoos for me. I don't love needles. I would do a small one someday if it had great significance.
9. What has been the most significant moment/realization of your journey to parenthood this year? Finding out that the last year of trying the old fashion way has been for nothing. It turned into a job and caused fights and tears. I realized after our diagnosis that we can make it through anything as a couple and we are stronger from it.
10. What are you hoping to find under the tree this Christmas? I don't desire to have anything under the tree but I do desire to have a sonogram picture hanging on the tree and a healthy baby growing inside of mommy! (positive thoughts for IVF#1 in November!)

Medication

So, my medication came yesterday. Talk about a reality check! I cleaned out a cubby hole in my closet so that they had a nice new home, and my friend Ovidrel is chillin' in the fridge waiting for his big day. I want to soak up every little bit of this moment in our lives and grow from it no matter the outcome. Of course I am going to be cheering for the half full side of our 50% along the way!

I also lit a candle last night for all of my friends that have experienced the loss of a child. My heart breaks for them. Your strength through it all humbles me.

A girlfriend of mine has been going through chemo for the last year and went in for a scan to make sure that there was none of the evil C word still there. Her C word was in a lump on the back of her leg but the recent scan showed a spot on her spine. Please join me in prayer that this is nothing and she will not have to endure any more treatment besides the radiation that was already planned. She is one of the strongest women of God that I know and has been a great friend. I truly believe there is power in prayer so please take a moment of silence today to lift up some healing words for her.

Friends

Infertility is ugly for sure, and heartbreaking, and painful,  and well, it just plain sucks. However the women that I have gotten close to are none of these things. Holly, Ali and Tonisha I want to thank you for all of your kindness and generosity. These women have given me gifts that have really been the rainbow during my storm. Yes I received actual gifts, but their kind and encouraging words were just as meaningful. The kit kat sure hit the spot Ali, and I will take pictures this weekend when I burn the wish paper. :)

I hope to someday pay it forward as these women have done for me. Thank you girls and please know how much it all meant and how much you mean to me.

Next Thursday is Lupron day. It is the first step for my husband and I's dream. Then the 23rd we get to add Menopur and Bravelle. I hate needles but I would literally take the injections in my eye if it meant I could get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby in nine months. So I will put a smile on my face and smack the fear of needles square in it's jaw!

Thank you again to my rainbow friends!

Thank You

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that commented on my post yesterday. It was a dark day filled with fear and your words brought me some light.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we have some "fun" appointments with our RE.

- DH gets to do semen analysis and have 24 hour prep ($185)
- DH gets to give blood to test for communicable diseases (mine were good)($523x2)
- We will be signing all of our consent forms ($40 office visit)
- Going over how to administer injections and mix correctly
- I will be getting a sonohysterogram and doing a trial embryo transfer ($772)

NONE of these things are in our ARC package and are out of pocket. $2,043 is the amount we will need to come up with.

$11,456 ARC
$2,043 not covered so far
$185 (for semen analysis retrieval day)
$2,500 medication (give or take)
????  whatever else I have missed

$16,184 at this point. And if we don't win the 50% game we will have to spend more in medication for our FET. Then if we lose again... Well, I'm going to pretend that isn't going to happen.

I am choosing to live in the world where IVF works the first time for us and we get pregnant with twins. Then I will make it to at least 36 weeks and give birth to two amazing babies. Right now that is the world I need to be in to feel safe and less scared.

I've read a lot of kicking infertility's butt blogs lately, but I have also cried when reading the loss posts come across my feed as well. I feel real pain for these women and can't imagine how they truly feel because I have never been pregnant and lost a life. So I pray...

I have been so tearful today and I haven't even started the for real medications yet! I think that I am just overwhelmed with what is coming. I feel blessed that we are able to do this it's just a lot. Our anniversary is on Sunday and we are going to just do cards and maybe a meal out. Our anniversary, birthday, Christmas, new year and valentines gift to each other this year is IVF (and hopefully a baby)

Thank you for being a huge part of my support system. Today I need some positive thoughts.

Happy-Sad-Scared

I am somewhere in between happy, sad and scared. I think it is the anxiety I am having with our upcoming IVF cycle. My husband brought me back to earth this week. I have been saying things like "when" we get pregnant and "when" I am carrying your baby and this makes him uncomfortable. He reminded me of our 50-60% chance and that we aren't guaranteed to get a baby at the end our our struggle. So I told him that I was saying it to "will" it to happen.. to put those positive vibes out into the universe and not go into this process with a negative attitude. He told me that it is not being negative not saying those things, and we should hope for the best but prepare for the worse. His rationale makes perfect sense.

But I am not always a rational person, I live a lot of my life on Faith. Of course I know of our odds, and that we may not get a baby at the end of this journey. And I also know that I will be an emotional mess if this happens. I am keeping my Faith, I'm just going to bring a little more of the rational side out as well moving forward.

Lupron, menopur and bravelle shots start in a couple of weeks... We are getting closer!