Cup day

Today is the day that my husband gets to give his sample, which he is super excited about doing (not). Yesterday he went to the urologist and he was told that his bait and tackle all looked great so at least the equipment is ready to go. Now we just need there to be lots of swimmers. We were told that we should get the results back in three business days. I am pretty anxious because if all looks good we can just move forward with the clomid and that would be a lot friendlier on our bank account. I know that IUI is a ton cheaper than IVF but a thousand dollars is a thousand dollars. My insurance is not going to cover anything during this journey. And besides the progesterone I have only had my thyroid and prolactin checked so there are more tests in my future. "Not medically necessary" whatever. I am not a fan of Obama care, but for us infertiles there could be a plus. All the insurance companies have to have the same plans and they have turned in their proposals. In January I will know more but insurance may have to have a fertility clause. Of course this will cost me more to have but I guarantee that it will be less in the long run.

One of my 31 cousin's just had another child this week which makes number seven for them. Of course I am happy for them but really? They can have seven and I am struggling to have one? Life is not fair and I get that but I still struggle. My best friend is due next month and she is the most adorable pregnant person I have ever seen. I would have loved to be pregnant with her and shared in this experience but it wasn't meant to be. It is strange because for some reason I have no issue looking at her or talking about her pregnancy. Every other person makes me hold back emotion. I'm sure it's because I love her so much but it is still strange. Of course when that baby is born I will lose it. It will be happy tears mixed with a little "I want one too!"  but we will see.

Thanks for listening! Having this blog to talk to other people in the same boat has been very therapeutic, even if there may be only five of you and I don't get comments. I know you are there! So thanks again.

Quote: True Story

Progesterone results

Dr. Sparkle called and my progesterone levels have went from a .02 to a 1.9. I really didn't expect much and I am a little happy that it at least went up but most likely I am having an anovulatory cycle. They still want me to move forward with Clomid if Mr. Lost's swimmers win Gold. If he doesn't have the swimmers that are needed for us to do Clomid and the BD then we will move forward with Clomid and IUI. Emotionally I am doing okay however if I could find the remote control for my life I would definitely press fast forward. He goes in tomorrow for an exam with a urologist and Dr. S will give him the script to head to the lab for a sample. We/he will probably obtain the sample at home and then drive it to the lab because the alternative will "not work" for him (his words). Prayers would be greatly appreciated. I see that people are coming to my page and not commenting so if you could leave a kind word it would really help my spirits right now.

 

On the running front. Last night mission couch to 5k went pretty good. My new running shoes came in so it gave me that extra motivation to try and break one of my records and I did! I went .87 miles more and 0'43"/mile faster than my average in the past 7 runs. I alternate with run 5 minutes then walk fast 5 minutes... Last night was 5-5-5-5-5-5-2-1.02 so I got three of my 5 min runs completed. I am making progress, slowly but surely (story of my life).

 

I don't want to keep wishing for time to speed up because I'm sure that I am missing out on other things but I do. I am consumed. Ugh. 

More blood work

Today I go back for another progesterone test. My first test showed that I had a level of .02 so I'm not very positive that it will be anywhere close to a 15. I am usually a pretty positive person but this whole infertility journey has really sucked the Mary Poppins out of me if you know what I mean. Some days I want to take her spoon full of sugar and stick it where the sun don't shine, but I keep moving forward. I will face whatever I have to face in order to find my gold at the end of our rainbow. Being pregnant and having a baby seems so far from my current reality and I really need something positive from Dr. Sparkle and soon.

This weekend I was watching my husband play softball enjoying the nice weather and people watching. Of course there were about 5 babies and a few pregnant women in the mix. They are everywhere! Me and my stupid jealousy. I actually had a beer because with .02 I knew there wasn't a risk of me being pregnant and relaxed. Well... I relaxed as much as I can relax in my current state of craziness.

My new love of running continues. I have actually made it a few weeks which is pretty stellar for me with my track record of working out. My new shoes will be here this week so I'm sure that I will take off at least a second/mile. haha. Okay well I'm sure my feet and joints will at least thank me for it because my other shoes are over ten years old. I had only worn them a dozen times but there is a shelf life that has obviously passed.

I am also finishing up on some pictures from a wedding I shot a few weeks back. The young bride told me that they were going to wait a while before trying to have a baby. Of course I chimed in and told her to take some time to enjoy her husband but don't wait forever. She is only 20 so age isn't a current factor.  I told her at my age the clock stops ticking and is just a constant hummmmmmm. She smiled and giggled that cute, young fertile smile. Ugh.

Disease

Infertility is a disease that results in the abnormal functioning of the male or female reproductive system. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) and the World Health Organization (WHO) recognize infertility as a disease.

By definition I have a disease. Yes, it is a disease that won't kill me physically but I can guarantee that it is a disease that is killing me emotionally. Most of the time my anger rears it's ugly head when I see a pregnant 18 year old girl with a one year old on her hip. Yup, I'm bitter at the moment because I struggle with the why? Why can't I have a baby the good old fashion way? Why does someone who has had numerous abortions and doesn't want a baby keep getting knocked up? Why are people having babies and throwing them in trash cans or leaving them in parks getting pregnant? I believe in God and my faith has really helped me through this dark time but I still get angry..bitter..jealous but I am working on it.

Here I go

So here I go. For the purpose of keeping my private life private I am just going to refer to myself as Mrs.Lost. It is actually a great name for me because that is where I am at the moment, and that is where my damn stork is too. My husband Mr. Lost and I have been trying to conceive for a while now and have recently found out that my progesterone level is extremely low. Just to put things in perspective the "sparkling" number as my fertility specialist calls it is a 15, and good levels are between 10-15. My number is a whooping .02, yes you read that correctly point zero two which translates to "your ass isn't getting pregnant" and "you have wasted money on birth control for too many years". Since my fertility specialist likes to say sparkling we will call her Dr. Sparkle from now on my blog. Dr. Sparkle thinks that if I start taking Clomid I can actually ovulate and stop pretending that I am every month. BUT (there is always a but) I am AMA "advanced maternal age" because I am over 35 and the risks of taking the medication can be higher. AND (always an and too) they want to test Mr. Lost's swimmers to see how they are doing first. If Mr. Lost only has three swimmers and they are backstroking in a circle it doesn't really matter if I am ovulating or not. I will be getting one more progesterone blood test done the beginning of next week to see if has gone up any but (damn but) even if it went up leaps and bounds to a big ol' 2 it still sucks. Mr. Lost will be going in next week to get his Phelps and Lochte's analyzed as well and we are hoping for Olympic gold. If he ends up not having very many and/or the ones he has aren't good we will start getting ready for our first attempt at IUI. If a few of you find yourselves at my blog I want to thank you ahead of time for listening to my rambling, because trust me there will be rambling.