Monday, December 30, 2013

Why can't I be normal?

I have never been normal. Never. However it would be nice to be normal for the next 7 months or so.

With no symptoms besides being tired and some constipation which could be from the Crinone that is it. I don't want to complain because I could be laid up in bed puking my heart out but the lack of symptoms scares the crap out of me. Plus as promised my OHSS is getting better by the day. I am not complaining about this either but when your stomach is shrinking and you are losing weight when you are pregnant it is scary.

"Normal" women that get pregnant maybe have an initial u/s and then don't have another one until around 20 weeks and think nothing about it. I feel like in order to keep my sanity I need one every two weeks or so. My first OB/GYN appointment is coming up in a few days and there is no ultrasound scheduled. I am hoping that since it is a twin pregnancy and I lack symptoms that he will at least take a couple of seconds to check the heartbeats. I will be 10 weeks 5 days. Due to the OHSS and my uterus growing there is no hiding my stomach. I usually have a pretty flat tummy so the patients where I work are starting to stare. One girl last week actually looked at me and said, wow I didn't know you were pregnant. Ugh.  So I told myself that after this appointment I would just tell people. I know.. not 13 weeks but it is time.

I stopped my Crinone yesterday and that also has me a little nervous. As of today all that I am taking is my prenatal vitamin and my extra folic acid.  My RE told me that 10 weeks is actually longer than needed but they like to be safe. If that is the case why do other women take it up until 12 weeks? I looked online and talked with some of the women in my support group on Facebook and they said that the corpus luteum and the placenta take over between weeks 8-10. So I am trusting the doctor because he should know. And I am trusting God.

Why can't I be normal??

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Ultrasound #2

I probably woke up at least 20 times throughout the night. Some was due to the horrible cold that I have, peeing and nerves. We left the house a little after 7 this morning and headed to the appointment. It looks like I have lost another 5lbs of fluid from the ohss so that is moving in the right direction. My ovaries feel like they are going to explode when I have a bm and the doctor said this may or may not get better.

Okay so on to the good stuff. Today I graduated! I will miss everyone at the clinic but I am ready. Our appointment with the OBGYN is January 2nd.

Both babies were measuring 8 weeks. One baby has a heartbeat of 166 and the other baby has a heartbeat of 176. The sound of their beating hearts was the most beautiful thing that my ears have ever heard. My husband and I just sat there in amazement. I had him take a video with his phone and I have watched them numerous times already since we left the appointment. So as of today I am still pregnant with twins and feeling so incredibly blessed. Such a miracle.

Here are our babies... If you don't want to see the picture I understand. Please take care of you.


Tuesday, December 17, 2013


Tomorrow I will be 8 weeks and 4 days, and I will have my second ultrasound. I am nervous, excited and scared. I am so in love with these two little raspberries already and the thought of one or both of them not having that little flicker in their heart tomorrow is terrifying me. Please send prayers and good thoughts our way. My appointment is at 7:30am central time. I will update you after the appointment when I have a free minute at work.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Why I did IVF

Some of you have been with me since the beginning, but for those who haven't I want to touch base a little on why we chose IVF.

My husband and I have been together for over eight years however we didn't get engaged until November of 2011 and married October of 2012. I was 36 when we got married and then I turned 37 a month later. We started trying right away to have a baby because I had gotten off of birth control 4 or 5 months prior to the wedding. We knew it probably wouldn't happen right away and so we were patient. My best friend started trying the same month that we did and she got a BFP after the first try. Of course she is ten years younger so I chalked it up to that. After about five months I started talking to my husband about seeing a specialist and he was hesitant. I explained to him that if we had been trying for six months due to our age it was time. He kept saying that age was just a number but I knew better. In reproductive years I was around 85.

I went to an OBGYN first because I was over well over 40 days into my cycle without a period. She did a P4 test and determined that I was not ovulating and prescribed progesterone to jump start my period. The day that I was supposed to start the medication my period started. So after all that time I came to the conclusion that I hadn't been ovulating and that is why we weren't getting pregnant. She referred me onto a specialist.

My husband was trying to push Clomid and just to try on our own but I wanted more information. We made the appointment with the RE and had a great talk with them. They drew blood before I left to start the testing and then I came back early on in my cycle for more testing a few weeks later. My AMH came back good so I knew that I had eggs, my E2 levels came back good so we were on track there.. They determined that I may not ovulate every month but I was still ovulating.

The next step was to get my husband tested. His results came back and we were a lot closer to getting the mystery solved. Basically his motility and morphology was very poor. After you got rid of all of the bad sperm he only had about 2 or 3 million good ones. We were told that to conceive naturally our chances were well under 1% and if we tried IUI our chances were less than 3%. At this point I was getting closer to 38 and so we had to figure something out. We didn't have the luxury of being in our early twenties and giving it some time.

I had a lot of pressure from my mom to just pray and keep trying. Yes, I 100% believe that there is power in prayer but I also believe that God has given doctors the knowledge and the skill set to help us for a reason. I explained to my mom who was fighting cancer that it would be like me telling her not to get the surgery she needed to save her life, and to not do chemo and pray that God will take the cancer away. Once again, I believe that God can move mountains but he had given the doctors the knowledge to remove her tumor and God gave the people that invented chemo the knowledge to help keep the cancer at bay. Why would my situation be any different? I think that I may have gotten through to her a little bit.

So after a lot of prayer and soul searching we moved forward with IVF. Ultimately God was still creating our child through the hands of his children (the doctors). I firmly believe that he has the final say and his hand is in everything. The babies that I am carrying are a gift from God, not the doctor. My Savior breathed life into our embryos, my Savior guided them to implant, my Savior started their hearts. He has all control over life and death.

Everyone's opinion on IVF is very personal and I support every one of them. I would never judge anyone or think less of them. Unfortunately I have people in my life that are judging me and I know that they think less of me as a Christian. I am not angry with those who don't agree with my choice because that is their belief.

For those of you who have supported me through this blog I want to say thank you. Your cheers, prayers and well wishes mean the world to me. The time between now and July is going to be long and I couldn't do it without you.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Sharing the news/late pregnancy loss story

This is a story of a late pregnancy loss so if you don't want to read it please stop now. I just wanted to preface why it was so hard to share my news with one of my real life close friends.

I have a couple real life infertile friends to go along with my blog friends. One of these friends I have known for around twelve years. We will call her Ann.

Ann went through multiple cycles of IUI with no success and had been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. So then she decided to move onto IVF. She purchased the package deal through ARC financing, borrowed the money at a lower rate from her brother and she was ready to go! She didn't want to just pay for one cycle because she was ready for it to take more than one try due to the failed IUI's.

Ann ended up transferring two embryos and they didn't have any that made it to freeze. Two weeks later they got the good news that they were pregnant, with twins. She was over the moon for sure. The pregnancy was uneventful, however she did have more sonograms due to the multiple pregnancy. On week 20 they found out that they were having a boy and a girl, her dreams were coming true. At each sonogram she noticed a little black spot on her baby girls heart when it was beating but didn't think twice about it. 

Fast forward to the last few weeks of pregnancy. Ann went in for her weekly ultrasound and had a little bleeding. The u/s tech got quiet and excused them self from the room. Ann instantly new something was wrong and during the u/s had seen the black spot but it wasn't moving. When the tech and the doctor returned to the room they came in with heart wrenching news. Her baby girl's heart had stopped beating. How could this happen two weeks before delivery?? She was told that they were going to do a c section and it would happen that day. So she had to call her husband and family to break the news. 

Her baby girl was perfect in every way, but God had chosen to keep her. Her son came into the world perfect as well and ready to be loved. Ann had to plan a funeral, bury her daughter, recover from a c section and take care of a newborn. She is one of the strongest, loving,  christian women that I know and it wasn't fair. 

I lived out of state when all of this happened but I came home to visit a couple months later. I hugged her, and asked to see pictures of her baby girl. She instantly started crying and thanked me for caring about her little girl. Everyone had been avoiding talking about her and acted like she never existed, even her husband. She was such a proud mommy, and her little girl was so beautiful.

She ended up getting a big surprise a few years later when she conceived naturally with a second son. Her oldest knows that he was a twin and has a sister in heaven and when he was little she would always catch him talking to someone in his room. We like to believe it was her..

Ann has been one of my biggest cheerleaders during my IVF and last night I called her with the news from my sonogram. I didn't call her last week because I was making sure I had the call played out in my head before she answered. Of course she was extremely excited for me and then the words came that I knew were on her heart.. I can't believe it is twins.. I am so jealous, well you know what I mean.. And then of course she went on with her excitement and joy. We had to get off of the phone quickly because her son had football practice but I prayed for her all night. I still don't understand why these things happen, and never will.

I have vowed to not go a minute without rejoicing and being thankful for the babies that I have growing within at the moment. That doesn't mean that I won't have worry but I will still be thankful. God knows how this is all going to play out, so I continue to pray.

Friday, December 6, 2013

6 weeks 6 days

I don't really have a lot to report at the moment which I guess is good. The babies are behaving themselves and not making mama sick, but they think it is funny to make me burp all of the time. I talk to them whenever I can and rub my belly. I tell them to please stick around until July because I am excited to meet them. Sleeping has been an adventure for sure. I go to bed pretty early but I am up between 12-12:30am every morning and then I am up at least four more times after that. It is amazing how two little peas can make you have to potty so much. Trust me I am NOT complaining because I will take whatever as long as they stay healthy.

I really wish that 12/18 would hurry up and get here already! I want to see them again and get measurements and listen to the heartbeats. I just want to make sure that they are both still growing. My husband wants to get a doppler but asked me if it would be fun at first and then we would stop using it. I laughed and said nope, I would use it every day in between appointments for my piece of mind. So we are looking to purchase one at the moment. If any of you guys may have a suggestion on a good one that doesn't cost a ton please pass it on!

I have so many people on my prayer list at the moment. Those who are trying, recently had a loss or just got their BFP. I want everyone to have their happy ending. This community is truly amazing and I count myself lucky for being a part of it, so thank you..

Have an amazing weekend!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Ultrasound #1

So I woke up multiple times last night, mostly to pee but also because it felt like Christmas Eve. I got my step daughter up for school at 6 and laid back down since our appointment wasn't until 8:30. Of course I didn't sleep at all, got up before 7 and jumped in the shower. I got myself all dolled up and we were out the door at 8!

My first beta was 248 which had me super excited, then came my second beta... 405. The doubling time was 68 hours and within range but it had me nervous so that's why I went back for the third beta and when it came back at 1,698 with a doubling time of 48 hours I took a deep breath and relaxed. BUT I have barely had any symptoms. No boob soreness, kind of tired, only got nauseous once so I was stressed. Of course the ohss was a constant reminder that something was going on. But I was still nervous...

So without further ado.... Here is my ultrasound picture. If you aren't in a good place you can stop here and I understand 100%.







The doctor said that both heartbeats were strong so I am praying so hard that they both stay beating strong for a LONG TIME. He said that I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant, but the nurse had calculated 6 weeks 2 days. I will go with the doctor. Thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts because I have felt them all! I won't go back for two weeks. I really wish that we were going back next week but I will take that as a good sign that he wants us to wait. So the next picture will be at 8 weeks 4 days. If everything goes as planned we will be released at that time to our OB. I am feeling so blessed! I know that I will be super cautious for a while but I am not going to let it ruin my happiness right now. I have vowed to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. And so I shall!!


Monday, December 2, 2013

Symptoms at 6 weeks

I really haven't had much for symptoms except the burping and gas. My boobs have an occasional pain from time to time but it isn't nonstop. I haven't been able to eat a ton because of the ohss but not because of the pregnancy. Last night I had a moment because of this, but my mom and sister were at my house so I talked the them about it. Neither of them got morning sickness and had very few symptoms so maybe I am taking after them I thought...

Fast forward to this morning. I took a shower, blow dried my hair and then I was putting on my makeup. All of a sudden I started to sweat and then I felt like I was going to puke. I got to the toilet and assumed the position... I just kept breathing deeply until the sweat broke and I wasn't going to yack anymore. After I came around and started to feel normal again I thanked the baby for reminding me that they were there!

I had to buy a couple flowy maternity shirts because of my ohss and they came today so that was exciting. I wouldn't have bought anything if it wasn't for my liquid filled belly but I had to. If I wore my normal shirts people would think I was five months pregnant! I have two pairs of yoga pants and one pair of dress pants that fit me at the moment. I'm thankful that I work in a back office and can get away with it but I feel like such a slug. My husband is so adorable.. He called today to let me know that he picked me up a pair of black leggings, a sweater and a shirt "to get me by". It made me giggle because he said that we wouldn't be buying anything for quite a while to make sure things go okay. Man I love him!

I am so ready for the ultrasound on Wednesday morning! I want validation, I want to see our little bean with a little flickering heart. I know that it may be too early but I am still praying. I will update you guys on how things go. Our appointment is at 8:30am central time so you won't have to wait long. Please send out good thoughts and prayers!