Why can't I be normal?

I have never been normal. Never. However it would be nice to be normal for the next 7 months or so.

With no symptoms besides being tired and some constipation which could be from the Crinone that is it. I don't want to complain because I could be laid up in bed puking my heart out but the lack of symptoms scares the crap out of me. Plus as promised my OHSS is getting better by the day. I am not complaining about this either but when your stomach is shrinking and you are losing weight when you are pregnant it is scary.

"Normal" women that get pregnant maybe have an initial u/s and then don't have another one until around 20 weeks and think nothing about it. I feel like in order to keep my sanity I need one every two weeks or so. My first OB/GYN appointment is coming up in a few days and there is no ultrasound scheduled. I am hoping that since it is a twin pregnancy and I lack symptoms that he will at least take a couple of seconds to check the heartbeats. I will be 10 weeks 5 days. Due to the OHSS and my uterus growing there is no hiding my stomach. I usually have a pretty flat tummy so the patients where I work are starting to stare. One girl last week actually looked at me and said, wow I didn't know you were pregnant. Ugh.  So I told myself that after this appointment I would just tell people. I know.. not 13 weeks but it is time.

I stopped my Crinone yesterday and that also has me a little nervous. As of today all that I am taking is my prenatal vitamin and my extra folic acid.  My RE told me that 10 weeks is actually longer than needed but they like to be safe. If that is the case why do other women take it up until 12 weeks? I looked online and talked with some of the women in my support group on Facebook and they said that the corpus luteum and the placenta take over between weeks 8-10. So I am trusting the doctor because he should know. And I am trusting God.

Why can't I be normal??

Ultrasound #2

I probably woke up at least 20 times throughout the night. Some was due to the horrible cold that I have, peeing and nerves. We left the house a little after 7 this morning and headed to the appointment. It looks like I have lost another 5lbs of fluid from the ohss so that is moving in the right direction. My ovaries feel like they are going to explode when I have a bm and the doctor said this may or may not get better.

Okay so on to the good stuff. Today I graduated! I will miss everyone at the clinic but I am ready. Our appointment with the OBGYN is January 2nd.

Both babies were measuring 8 weeks. One baby has a heartbeat of 166 and the other baby has a heartbeat of 176. The sound of their beating hearts was the most beautiful thing that my ears have ever heard. My husband and I just sat there in amazement. I had him take a video with his phone and I have watched them numerous times already since we left the appointment. So as of today I am still pregnant with twins and feeling so incredibly blessed. Such a miracle.


Here are our babies... If you don't want to see the picture I understand. Please take care of you.

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Tomorrow

Tomorrow I will be 8 weeks and 4 days, and I will have my second ultrasound. I am nervous, excited and scared. I am so in love with these two little raspberries already and the thought of one or both of them not having that little flicker in their heart tomorrow is terrifying me. Please send prayers and good thoughts our way. My appointment is at 7:30am central time. I will update you after the appointment when I have a free minute at work.

How I feel lately

Why I did IVF

Some of you have been with me since the beginning, but for those who haven't I want to touch base a little on why we chose IVF.

My husband and I have been together for over eight years however we didn't get engaged until November of 2011 and married October of 2012. I was 36 when we got married and then I turned 37 a month later. We started trying right away to have a baby because I had gotten off of birth control 4 or 5 months prior to the wedding. We knew it probably wouldn't happen right away and so we were patient. My best friend started trying the same month that we did and she got a BFP after the first try. Of course she is ten years younger so I chalked it up to that. After about five months I started talking to my husband about seeing a specialist and he was hesitant. I explained to him that if we had been trying for six months due to our age it was time. He kept saying that age was just a number but I knew better. In reproductive years I was around 85.

I went to an OBGYN first because I was over well over 40 days into my cycle without a period. She did a P4 test and determined that I was not ovulating and prescribed progesterone to jump start my period. The day that I was supposed to start the medication my period started. So after all that time I came to the conclusion that I hadn't been ovulating and that is why we weren't getting pregnant. She referred me onto a specialist.

My husband was trying to push Clomid and just to try on our own but I wanted more information. We made the appointment with the RE and had a great talk with them. They drew blood before I left to start the testing and then I came back early on in my cycle for more testing a few weeks later. My AMH came back good so I knew that I had eggs, my E2 levels came back good so we were on track there.. They determined that I may not ovulate every month but I was still ovulating.

The next step was to get my husband tested. His results came back and we were a lot closer to getting the mystery solved. Basically his motility and morphology was very poor. After you got rid of all of the bad sperm he only had about 2 or 3 million good ones. We were told that to conceive naturally our chances were well under 1% and if we tried IUI our chances were less than 3%. At this point I was getting closer to 38 and so we had to figure something out. We didn't have the luxury of being in our early twenties and giving it some time.

I had a lot of pressure from my mom to just pray and keep trying. Yes, I 100% believe that there is power in prayer but I also believe that God has given doctors the knowledge and the skill set to help us for a reason. I explained to my mom who was fighting cancer that it would be like me telling her not to get the surgery she needed to save her life, and to not do chemo and pray that God will take the cancer away. Once again, I believe that God can move mountains but he had given the doctors the knowledge to remove her tumor and God gave the people that invented chemo the knowledge to help keep the cancer at bay. Why would my situation be any different? I think that I may have gotten through to her a little bit.

So after a lot of prayer and soul searching we moved forward with IVF. Ultimately God was still creating our child through the hands of his children (the doctors). I firmly believe that he has the final say and his hand is in everything. The babies that I am carrying are a gift from God, not the doctor. My Savior breathed life into our embryos, my Savior guided them to implant, my Savior started their hearts. He has all control over life and death.

Everyone's opinion on IVF is very personal and I support every one of them. I would never judge anyone or think less of them. Unfortunately I have people in my life that are judging me and I know that they think less of me as a Christian. I am not angry with those who don't agree with my choice because that is their belief.

For those of you who have supported me through this blog I want to say thank you. Your cheers, prayers and well wishes mean the world to me. The time between now and July is going to be long and I couldn't do it without you.

Sharing the news/late pregnancy loss story

This is a story of a late pregnancy loss so if you don't want to read it please stop now. I just wanted to preface why it was so hard to share my news with one of my real life close friends.

I have a couple real life infertile friends to go along with my blog friends. One of these friends I have known for around twelve years. We will call her Ann.

Ann went through multiple cycles of IUI with no success and had been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. So then she decided to move onto IVF. She purchased the package deal through ARC financing, borrowed the money at a lower rate from her brother and she was ready to go! She didn't want to just pay for one cycle because she was ready for it to take more than one try due to the failed IUI's.

Ann ended up transferring two embryos and they didn't have any that made it to freeze. Two weeks later they got the good news that they were pregnant, with twins. She was over the moon for sure. The pregnancy was uneventful, however she did have more sonograms due to the multiple pregnancy. On week 20 they found out that they were having a boy and a girl, her dreams were coming true. At each sonogram she noticed a little black spot on her baby girls heart when it was beating but didn't think twice about it. 

Fast forward to the last few weeks of pregnancy. Ann went in for her weekly ultrasound and had a little bleeding. The u/s tech got quiet and excused them self from the room. Ann instantly new something was wrong and during the u/s had seen the black spot but it wasn't moving. When the tech and the doctor returned to the room they came in with heart wrenching news. Her baby girl's heart had stopped beating. How could this happen two weeks before delivery?? She was told that they were going to do a c section and it would happen that day. So she had to call her husband and family to break the news. 

Her baby girl was perfect in every way, but God had chosen to keep her. Her son came into the world perfect as well and ready to be loved. Ann had to plan a funeral, bury her daughter, recover from a c section and take care of a newborn. She is one of the strongest, loving,  christian women that I know and it wasn't fair. 

I lived out of state when all of this happened but I came home to visit a couple months later. I hugged her, and asked to see pictures of her baby girl. She instantly started crying and thanked me for caring about her little girl. Everyone had been avoiding talking about her and acted like she never existed, even her husband. She was such a proud mommy, and her little girl was so beautiful.

She ended up getting a big surprise a few years later when she conceived naturally with a second son. Her oldest knows that he was a twin and has a sister in heaven and when he was little she would always catch him talking to someone in his room. We like to believe it was her..

Ann has been one of my biggest cheerleaders during my IVF and last night I called her with the news from my sonogram. I didn't call her last week because I was making sure I had the call played out in my head before she answered. Of course she was extremely excited for me and then the words came that I knew were on her heart.. I can't believe it is twins.. I am so jealous, well you know what I mean.. And then of course she went on with her excitement and joy. We had to get off of the phone quickly because her son had football practice but I prayed for her all night. I still don't understand why these things happen, and never will.

I have vowed to not go a minute without rejoicing and being thankful for the babies that I have growing within at the moment. That doesn't mean that I won't have worry but I will still be thankful. God knows how this is all going to play out, so I continue to pray.

6 weeks 6 days

I don't really have a lot to report at the moment which I guess is good. The babies are behaving themselves and not making mama sick, but they think it is funny to make me burp all of the time. I talk to them whenever I can and rub my belly. I tell them to please stick around until July because I am excited to meet them. Sleeping has been an adventure for sure. I go to bed pretty early but I am up between 12-12:30am every morning and then I am up at least four more times after that. It is amazing how two little peas can make you have to potty so much. Trust me I am NOT complaining because I will take whatever as long as they stay healthy.

I really wish that 12/18 would hurry up and get here already! I want to see them again and get measurements and listen to the heartbeats. I just want to make sure that they are both still growing. My husband wants to get a doppler but asked me if it would be fun at first and then we would stop using it. I laughed and said nope, I would use it every day in between appointments for my piece of mind. So we are looking to purchase one at the moment. If any of you guys may have a suggestion on a good one that doesn't cost a ton please pass it on!

I have so many people on my prayer list at the moment. Those who are trying, recently had a loss or just got their BFP. I want everyone to have their happy ending. This community is truly amazing and I count myself lucky for being a part of it, so thank you..

Have an amazing weekend!

Ultrasound #1

So I woke up multiple times last night, mostly to pee but also because it felt like Christmas Eve. I got my step daughter up for school at 6 and laid back down since our appointment wasn't until 8:30. Of course I didn't sleep at all, got up before 7 and jumped in the shower. I got myself all dolled up and we were out the door at 8!

My first beta was 248 which had me super excited, then came my second beta... 405. The doubling time was 68 hours and within range but it had me nervous so that's why I went back for the third beta and when it came back at 1,698 with a doubling time of 48 hours I took a deep breath and relaxed. BUT I have barely had any symptoms. No boob soreness, kind of tired, only got nauseous once so I was stressed. Of course the ohss was a constant reminder that something was going on. But I was still nervous...

So without further ado.... Here is my ultrasound picture. If you aren't in a good place you can stop here and I understand 100%.

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The doctor said that both heartbeats were strong so I am praying so hard that they both stay beating strong for a LONG TIME. He said that I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant, but the nurse had calculated 6 weeks 2 days. I will go with the doctor. Thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts because I have felt them all! I won't go back for two weeks. I really wish that we were going back next week but I will take that as a good sign that he wants us to wait. So the next picture will be at 8 weeks 4 days. If everything goes as planned we will be released at that time to our OB. I am feeling so blessed! I know that I will be super cautious for a while but I am not going to let it ruin my happiness right now. I have vowed to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. And so I shall!!



 

Symptoms at 6 weeks

I really haven't had much for symptoms except the burping and gas. My boobs have an occasional pain from time to time but it isn't nonstop. I haven't been able to eat a ton because of the ohss but not because of the pregnancy. Last night I had a moment because of this, but my mom and sister were at my house so I talked the them about it. Neither of them got morning sickness and had very few symptoms so maybe I am taking after them I thought...

Fast forward to this morning. I took a shower, blow dried my hair and then I was putting on my makeup. All of a sudden I started to sweat and then I felt like I was going to puke. I got to the toilet and assumed the position... I just kept breathing deeply until the sweat broke and I wasn't going to yack anymore. After I came around and started to feel normal again I thanked the baby for reminding me that they were there!

I had to buy a couple flowy maternity shirts because of my ohss and they came today so that was exciting. I wouldn't have bought anything if it wasn't for my liquid filled belly but I had to. If I wore my normal shirts people would think I was five months pregnant! I have two pairs of yoga pants and one pair of dress pants that fit me at the moment. I'm thankful that I work in a back office and can get away with it but I feel like such a slug. My husband is so adorable.. He called today to let me know that he picked me up a pair of black leggings, a sweater and a shirt "to get me by". It made me giggle because he said that we wouldn't be buying anything for quite a while to make sure things go okay. Man I love him!

I am so ready for the ultrasound on Wednesday morning! I want validation, I want to see our little bean with a little flickering heart. I know that it may be too early but I am still praying. I will update you guys on how things go. Our appointment is at 8:30am central time so you won't have to wait long. Please send out good thoughts and prayers!

Beta #3

Okay, so I caved. Yesterday about 11am I made the choice to drive to a lab that is less than 2 minutes from where I work. The bad part about the lab is that they send it off to Qwest and results are next day. I figured that is still sooner than it would have been so I paid the $49 and just did it.

Well of course I called first thing this morning and they told me that they would have someone call me back in 15 minutes. An hour later still nothing so I called back and they said that everyone had been in a meeting but someone would call me back right away. Forty minutes later nothing. So you guessed it I called back again and this time the person said that the results were in and they would email them right over to me. Twenty five minutes later nothing. So I called again and they said they would double check the email and send again. Twenty minutes later I hadn't got a call or an email so I ran (well wobbled due to the ohss) to my car and drove over there.

1,698  (20DPO ,15dp5dt)

I cried on my way out to the car because I was so happy. My doubling time went from 68 hours to 48 hours. I will take it!! I know that we still have a very long road ahead of us but for now I am going to thank God for every moment of this pregnancy. I am 38 and with this comes a lot of risk, but God is in control and he already has my path forged so I need to relax and let go. I am super ready for our sono Wednesday!

As for my OHSS. I am up to 152lbs. I know you guys don't know me but my weight is usually 125 and before IVF was 130/135. After the medications I got up to 142 and due to OHSS I am 152. So basically I am carrying around an extra 20lbs and I am miserable. I know that it will pass so I continue to drink over 100oz of Gatorade a day, and drink protein shakes, and eat/drink stuff with higher sodium. I really can't eat much for solid food so I eat a lot of soup or just have the shake. My doctor faxed my work a paper today that I need to be on bed rest until Monday. I can work from home but my boss doesn't love the idea. So I am at work now but I plan on going home around 2PM central time. And tomorrow I only work until 2:30 and am off until Monday so we will see how I am feeling. If I continue to maintain the 152 I can stay out of the hospital and that is my goal. We can't afford for me to not be working.. We have a little thing called a loan for this IVF to pay for!

Thank you for all of the prayers and well wishes! Whatever you are doing is working so please keep it up!

Beta #2

Well, my beta #2 did not double. However my nurse said that it was a good number. If it would have doubled my number would have been 496.


405 was my number


I asked the nurse a few times if she really thought that number was good. She said yes and doubling is just a rough number they go off of. My number is over 60% so that is a good sign. I don't have another beta scheduled but she said if it would make me feel better I could come in on Tuesday to get it checked but she doesn't think it is necessary. I keep going back and forth because our ultrasound isn't until 12/4 and I will be 6 weeks 1 day at that point. I really wish that I didn't know everything that I did in my head. If a fertile person was to get that number and was told to come back in two weeks they wouldn't think anything about it. But I am not that person. I think that I am just going to pray and wait for the u/s. I trust the nurse and feel like she would have told me if they thought it was a problem. I have waited this long... what's another two weeks.

A girl from my support group also made a great point. She said that I could have started out with two implanted and one has decided to slow down or didn't make it. Only time will tell.

So I pray...

Prayer for the Benson's

Please continue to pray for Holly and Darren. The waives of emotion that they must be experiencing is unfathomable to me.

Beta #1

I went in at 7:45 this morning to get my blood drawn. I asked them to call and leave a message so that my husband and I could listen to it together. So they called, left the message and I called my husband. He was on his way to work so he stopped by and I met him in the parking lot. My husband has been holding out for the blood test to fully accept it was true. Well....

248... I am so excited with this number!

I will be going back in on Thursday to make sure that the number is increasing like it should. Then we will get to schedule our first sonogram. I am praying that everything keeps moving forward like it should. I will continue to pray until our baby is home.

Today I choose to celebrate! Today I am going to stay positive! Today I am 4 weeks pregnant!

God is good

7dp5dt

So I really was going to wait until 6dp5dp but Miss T lit the spark and so I had to test on one of my wondo's. Well needless to say, I am glad that she did! BFP!!!!

5dp5dt

At first I thought that I may have seen a line, so I snapped a quick picture and started to enhance. After messing with it for about 30 seconds I looked at the test strip again and saw this! My first ever 2nd line! I instantly started shaking and crying. My husband is a lot more level headed than I am and told me he would rather wait for the blood test and not get disappointed. But the rest of the day he had a smile on his face and was super happy. :)


On day 6dp5dt I really wanted to see a dark line on a FRER so I went out and bought one. Well I thought that I did at least. I ended up grabbing the First Response Rapid Results which you are supposed to take the day after a missed period. This test is not sensitive and reads 50 mIU not 25 like the FRER. I didn't see a line and started to freak out (still thinking it is the early test). I left the room came back and there was a line! It measured 50 mIU and I was only 6dp5dt!

6dp5dt Rapid Result, not FRER

 

 

So what's a crazy girl to do? Go out and buy a FRER. I went to two separate CVS's and nope, none. Then I went to the grocery store today and found one that came with a digital. It was worth the $18 to see this! The women in my Facebook group think that maybe both embryos stuck!

 

7dp5dt

 

 

I have one more of the Rapid Results that I will test with tomorrow morning just to see, and I will be going in for beta on Tuesday.

 

Thank you all for your prayers, well wishes, and sticky thoughts. I AM PREGNANT! Now I want you to switch your prayers for a great beta and a take home baby (or two).



 

 



 

 

5dp5dt

So I have a bunch of Wondfo pregnancy tests at my house. Yup, I used one yesterday. I KNEW it was way too early but I did it anyway. Why? Um, because I just felt the need. I am not going to test today but I will be buying a three pack of First Response tests. I just can't help myself. I will test Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning. I just don't want to be a nervous Nelly on Tuesday waiting for the beta. I will still be nervous but not as nervous if that makes sense.

I have been sneezing with a runny nose for the past few days and waking up with night sweats at least two times a night. My poor husband has been sleeping on the couch since transfer so that I can sleep better. I told him that he didn't have to, but he insists on doing it. He tried to sleep with me one night but I keep waking up sweating and then I would get cold so I ended up on the couch. One of these days our paths will meet again.

I am only about 4 or 5lbs away from where I was before egg retrieval so my OHSS has pretty much left the building. It is amazing how thankful I am to be able to breathe again. Of course yoga pants are still my best friend. I tried to wear my "fat pants" yesterday to work but I had to unbutton and unzip when I was sitting down. Good thing I am in an office.

So here I am , another day down. This has been the longest week of my life!

Crazy Train

I have officially boarded the crazy train. Don't get me wrong I have got on and looked around a few times, but I am on this damn train until Tuesday. My husband was the one that bought me the ticket.

My OHSS has been getting better the last couple of days. He walked into the bedroom last night and said "so we probably aren't pregnant since you are getting better, because I read online it is supposed to get worse". Yesterday was 3dp5dt, implantation is supposed to occur today 4dp5dt. I told him that I wouldn't have any pregnancy hormones in my system to make the OHSS get worse. He has yelled at me numerous times to get off of that "damn google". So why is he on that damn google!! I know he is super anxious ,really wants the IVF to be a success and feels as if he has no control. I get it! I really get it but I don't want him to tell me stuff he found on a message board.

So needless to say I have been on Google off and on all morning. I am done now. It is in God's hands and I will know if our beautiful embryos decided to take up camp in my uterus on Tuesday.

Did any of you have OHSS get better and still end up being pregnant?

2dp5dt

Well, today is 2dp5dt (two days past my five day transfer for non-infertiles reading)
  
Transfer day ended up being semi comical in the morning. We got up bright and early because I was told by the Embryologist the prior day to be there at 7:15. We sat in the waiting room and then around 7:30 the nurse walked in with a weird look on her face. Hi Mrs. Stork, didn't you get the message about the time change? Nope.. I looked at my phone and sure enough she had left a message telling us that the transfer was at 10:30 now and to be there at 10:15. It was okay because we only live 15 minutes from the RE's clinic.
 
We came back at 10:15 ready to roll. Mr. Lost had on his Super Man socks, and I had on my wonder woman socks (both with capes of course). I guess they felt as if my OHSS was "mild" enough that we could move forward with the transfer.
 
Once we got into the procedure room we looked at our list of 18 Embryos and had to let them know one or two and which one(s). We decided to move forward two 5AA blasts. We don't have an issue with multiples and we liked that it increased our chances by 10%. My RE reassured me that I had a good uterus for two. I'll take his word for it. 
 
The procedure itself was so quick, but so emotional. The thought of actually becoming pregnant overwhelmed me when I saw the catheder on the ultrasound.
 
I had been suffering from OHSS leading up to the transfer and later that night my stomach bloated up again. I looked like I was very pregnant and was finding it extremely hard to breathe. I got scared to the point of wanting my husband to take me to the Hospital. However I didn't want anything to disturb this transfer so I cried and breathed deeply in the recliner until I finally fell asleep. Yesterday morning it was better when I woke up but as the day went on my skin stretched until it was once again hard to breathe. It wasn't as bad as transfer night so I dealt with it. This morning was the first time in a week that I was able to take a full breath. I am still very swollen but I'm getting better. I am very aware that once a pregnancy is achieved OHSS will get worse and last until week 8 or 10. The only other way for it to go away is to have a period. I'm just planning on being better in 8 weeks. :)

The 1st picture is after I gained 5lbs on bc pills. The 2nd is transfer night

So here is the timeline that I have been staring at and will be staring at until it is time to test. I am going to try to hold out until at least Monday to take a home pregnancy test. I would like to say that I could wait until beta on Tuesday 11/19 but I know me way too well.

 

 

I found out yesterday that they were able to freeze 6 embryos..So I'm glad that they are there and ready for us. My husband was sad about the 10 that didn't make it to freeze but I know it happened for a reason. Please send sticky thoughts, baby dust, best wishes and most of all prayers in our direction!!

Embryo report from this morning

(14) - 8 cell grade A embryos
  (4) - 6,5 and 4 cell embryos


I am excited and emotional. I don't want to seem ungrateful so I am not going to get into the details on why I feel the way I do..

Please pray for me and send good thoughts my way.

OHSS & Embryo update

I knew that I was at risk due to the amount of follicles but I wasn't super ready for the way I am feeling at the moment. First let's start with the way that I look. My stomach appears to be four months pregnant, which would be awesome if I was pregnant. And to top it all off I waddle as well! Taking a full breath is out of the question. I haven't had a bm since Tuesday morning and I know that I need to but due to the soreness in my stomach.. ouch. A girl at work is going to get me some Milk of Magnesia in a few minutes to see if that helps anything along. I have gained over three pounds but I am keeping track to make sure it isn't more than 3 a day. If it calms down we will have a five day transfer on Sunday. If it keeps getting worse this cycle is canceled and we will have to freeze the embryos and do a FET. Of course I am praying for the OHSS to calm down and do the transfer on Sunday (the day before my birthday). If we have to freeze the embryos I may have a meltdown. I have went through all of the discomfort and pain to get to this point!

Yesterday morning we got the fertilization report and out of the 18 mature eggs 15 fertilized. Today when I got the call I was so nervous to find out how many had stopped growing. Well to my surprise the other three caught up and we now have 18 embryos! At least something is going right!

I want to thank Courtney for all of the great advice and help to get me through the OHSS. I had beef jerky and Gatorade for breakfast, milk of magnesia as a snack, and I will be having chicken noodle soup, peanut butter and another beef jerky by the end of the day.

Your good thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated!

Retrieval Day and the results

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday morning's drive was somewhat quiet but due to my husband we were going to be arriving five minutes late. I am the 10 minutes early kind of gal. It is amazing how he is never late to any of his softball games (wink, wink). I am partially to blame though because I assumed he was awake but he was not. He sometimes wakes up super early and goes to the other room to work. Yesterday he woke up super early and headed to the couch and fell asleep again.

 

Anywho.. We got there at 7:20 and they called him back at 7:25 to do his thing. Then I walked back with the nurse to the IVF suite to get changed and ready to go. DH made it back after they had put in my IV with just enough time to take a quick before picture, gave me a kiss and off I went across the hall. I was super nervous about the sedation for some reason but after the extreme burn in my IV site I was out! Now I know why Michael Jackson loved Propofol so much, that stuff is uh-mazing. 

 

I kept getting reports on how many eggs they had retrieved. 12, 15, then 22 by the time we left! I got a call later in the day telling us that 18 of them were mature. So I was pretty excited with the results. The Embryologist also told us that my husbands morphology was not good at all. We knew he had issues for sure but I guess this sample was worse off. She said she was glad that we were the only case that morning so she could look really hard for the best ones. Whew. I really feel like God had a big hand in that for sure.

 

I was in a lot of pain yesterday but pushed tons of Gatorade and water. My husband was the pain pill warden and would only let me have them every four hours which sucked because they wore off after about 2 1/2. I took my last pills at 9:30 last night but woke up very nauseous at 2:30. I was so hot that I had to go sit on the couch with the ceiling fan blowing on high. Then I thought I was going to puke, walked fast to the bathroom and broke into a heavy sweat. After that I tried to find a comfortable position and get some sleep. The pain is a lot better today and I have only taken one pain pill so far.

Around 8am this morning we got our first embryo update and........ 15 fertilized! Once again she said she was surprised with the amount due to the morphology. I feel so blessed at this point and will anxiously be awaiting our daily call! 

My husband is upset about his morphology and has went to Dr. Google to ask questions. Yes, this is the same husband that told me to stay off of the Internet and to just ask the doctor. I told him once again that she picked the best of the best and to be grateful of the high amount we have.

Thank you for all of your prayers and good thoughts. I will continue to let you guys know about my daily reports even if that is all the post is about. 

We are one step closer to one or two baby Storks!!

Retrieval day tomorrow

Well here I am , tomorrow is my egg retrieval. I remember posting that shit got real when we started this process and now it just got more real
 

I have follicles for sure. There are over 20 in my left ovary and over 20 in my right ovary now. There had been 10 plus on the right but somehow in 3 days another 10 joined in the game. There was a good amount measuring over 18 so I took my trigger shot and antibiotics last night. My E2 is super high of course due to this and is currently sitting at 5,030 as of Sunday. I asked the nurse at my clinic if she thought my fresh cycle would be canceled if I developed OHSS tomorrow after my retrieval and she told me to get off of the Internet. I was instructed to drink a ton of water today and so I am. 

 

My lining was really good per the RN. She pointed out that I had a great triple line and it was around 10. I think she said that they want it over 8 so I am fluffy and ready for one or two blasts to settle in for the next nine months. (SO ready)

 

One of my friends at work made this for me and gave it to me this morning. I adore homemade gifts because I know there was so much love and thought put into it. The note on the back said " Some love and sunshine for you this week. :) xoxo. Amazing..

 

 

 

So I am requesting good thoughts and prayers for:

- no OHSS after retrieval

- a lot of healthy mature eggs

- good motile sperm to fertilize the above eggs

- great division of cells every day

- five day transfer which is the plan as of today

I am not going to lie, I am scared of so much right now but I am trying to lift up all that fear to God. I will update you guys as soon as I am back from la la land tomorrow and know how many eggs they got from my super big ovaries. We will check in at 7:15am and they will start at 8am. 

Wish me luck!

Today is for the Benson's

No posts about me today. My emotions and thoughts are with the Bensons.

Stim check

I went in this morning to see if Bravelle and Menopur were doing their job. (Yes we are on a first name basis)

The nurse lead me back to the u/s room to take my blood pressure and temp. We were talking about how close I am getting and it made my stomach tingle just thinking about it. We talked about how bloated I am and how ready I was to be pregnant (shocker). She left to let me strip down to my knee socks and shirt while I waited for the other nurse to come in and check out my ovaries.

 When the other nurse came in I discussed how my left ovary has been kind of painful. Once the dildo cam was in she went to my lining first . I asked how thick it was, and she said it was good. So I politely asked for a number, almost 6.5. Then she went to my right ovary. All I could say was "oh my" and "those have really gotten big". She laughed and said: Oh honey, they are going to get a lot bigger. Initially when they looked at my follicles before medication I lied when I said I could see them. I mean I saw black dots but there are a ton of black dots on the screen. This time though I could see big black circles and knew for sure what I was looking at. Then she scanned to lefty the superstar ovary and giggled again telling me no wonder it is hurting and I saw a bunch of those circles all scrunched up against each other. When I asked how many follicle total she said a lot. I politely asked how many again and she said over 20. I just got a call from the nurse and my E2 is at 328. Crazy how my suppression check on the 23rd E2 was 16!

So far, so good. My next appiontment is on Friday at 8am central time so I would appricate some prayers and good thoughts that all is still going well. Then I go in on Sunday... At that point we will find out if our retreival will be on the 5th or 6th.

I will be 38 on 11/11/2013 which could also be my transfer date. Wouldn't a couple sticky little 5 day blasts be the perfect present? I think yes. I am young at heart so I am also assuming that my eggs are super young at heart too. :) I would also accept them as my Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Valentines present as well.

Lack of posting and stuff

I haven't been posting because I wanted to leave the post up to pray for Holly as long as possible.  I have added the picture her sister made to my sidebar. Please continue to send prayers and positive thoughts to Holly, Darren, Brinly and Jude.

Tonight will be day four of stims. I had a migraine yesterday and remembered once more how worthless Tylenol is. It makes me wonder if children, infertiles going through treatment and pregnant women keep them in business. The Lupron dosage went down when I started the Menopur and Bravelle but I am still not feeling great. I am super tearful and have no energy... so I pray.

There is power in positivity. There is power in his name. So when I don't have the words to say I just say Jesus. His name is prayer. He knows my wants and needs, he knows my heart.

I will have my next appointment tomorrow to see how I am progressing. I am pretty darn sure they are working by the way I feel so we will see if the doctors agree. I am humbled by all of you that have been through this multiple times. This is not for the weak or faint of heart for sure. Every moment of this journey will make me even that more grateful to be a mom.

And my friend that I had you guys pray for a few posts back that has been fighting the C word for the last year. Well, her scans came back clear!!! So happy.

Since the hormones are making me a little off today I will stop writing this all over the place post. Maybe my next post will be a little more organized. But maybe not.

Prayers needed! Please

I have become friends with Holly through blogging. I am in tears and lifting up every little ounce of prayer that I have to her at the moment. Please take a moment out of your day to do so as well.

I truly believe there is power in prayer. If you have it in your heart please post a link on your blog as well. I want as many  prayer warriors for Holly and Darren as I can get.

Lupron

So. Tonight will be day 5 of Lupron. Yes, the little needle part is great and side effects haven't been horrible. However I do have a few questions for those of you that have used it. This is what I have going on.

- bloating
- constipation
- headaches but only one doozie
- low back pain
- some sharp ovary area pains
- tears
- more easily irritated at work

Are these pretty common? I'm not going to complain because I know that Menopur and Bravelle are going to come with their own set of issues and mine aren't super bad. BUT. Is this normal? Or am I just having a bad week? :)

My husband has done a great job giving me the shots so far. Day one, I didn't even feel the needle go in.. Day two, he decided to go in fast since slow worked great the night before and it hurt pretty bad. Day three, go back to slow.. Well you get the idea. The stim phase starts on Wednesday so Dr. Lost will get to give me two shots a night instead of one. The two viles of Bravelle and one vile of Menopur can all be mixed together (whew). I will also go in for my first baseline check since starting the lupron on Wednesday.

Menopause has been fun.

Sunshine part deux

Danielle from Donating Hope nominated me for a sunshine award.. To be thought of is extremely sweet and made me smile. And I will take as many smiles as I can get! Below are the answers she asked. Thanks again Danielle!

1. Sweet or savory? Yes - I know it's not a yes or no question but I always need a little of both depending on my mood. I really love food.
2. What is your favorite season and why? Fall for sure - I love cooler weather and dressing in layers. I don't do hot very well
3. Favorite Bible verse or inspirational quote? Philippians 4:6-7 ; 6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
4. Favorite outdoor activity? walking and watching my husband play softball. Walking gives me peace and watching him play makes me smile because it makes him so happy
5. Favorite indoor activity? This is horrible, but probably sitting on the couch and watching TV. However I also enjoy a good book.
6. Any book recommendations? The Hunger Games Trilogy was awesome!
7. Do you dye your hair? If so, why and do you remember your natural hair color? As an ex hair stylist before going into finance I must correct you. :)  You "dye" and egg and you "color" your hair. haha. I highlight my hair, but my natural color is a light brown. (I think)
8. Any tattoos? If so, what is the significance behind them? No tattoos for me. I don't love needles. I would do a small one someday if it had great significance.
9. What has been the most significant moment/realization of your journey to parenthood this year? Finding out that the last year of trying the old fashion way has been for nothing. It turned into a job and caused fights and tears. I realized after our diagnosis that we can make it through anything as a couple and we are stronger from it.
10. What are you hoping to find under the tree this Christmas? I don't desire to have anything under the tree but I do desire to have a sonogram picture hanging on the tree and a healthy baby growing inside of mommy! (positive thoughts for IVF#1 in November!)

Medication

So, my medication came yesterday. Talk about a reality check! I cleaned out a cubby hole in my closet so that they had a nice new home, and my friend Ovidrel is chillin' in the fridge waiting for his big day. I want to soak up every little bit of this moment in our lives and grow from it no matter the outcome. Of course I am going to be cheering for the half full side of our 50% along the way!

I also lit a candle last night for all of my friends that have experienced the loss of a child. My heart breaks for them. Your strength through it all humbles me.

A girlfriend of mine has been going through chemo for the last year and went in for a scan to make sure that there was none of the evil C word still there. Her C word was in a lump on the back of her leg but the recent scan showed a spot on her spine. Please join me in prayer that this is nothing and she will not have to endure any more treatment besides the radiation that was already planned. She is one of the strongest women of God that I know and has been a great friend. I truly believe there is power in prayer so please take a moment of silence today to lift up some healing words for her.

Friends

Infertility is ugly for sure, and heartbreaking, and painful,  and well, it just plain sucks. However the women that I have gotten close to are none of these things. Holly, Ali and Tonisha I want to thank you for all of your kindness and generosity. These women have given me gifts that have really been the rainbow during my storm. Yes I received actual gifts, but their kind and encouraging words were just as meaningful. The kit kat sure hit the spot Ali, and I will take pictures this weekend when I burn the wish paper. :)

I hope to someday pay it forward as these women have done for me. Thank you girls and please know how much it all meant and how much you mean to me.

Next Thursday is Lupron day. It is the first step for my husband and I's dream. Then the 23rd we get to add Menopur and Bravelle. I hate needles but I would literally take the injections in my eye if it meant I could get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby in nine months. So I will put a smile on my face and smack the fear of needles square in it's jaw!

Thank you again to my rainbow friends!

Thank You

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that commented on my post yesterday. It was a dark day filled with fear and your words brought me some light.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we have some "fun" appointments with our RE.

- DH gets to do semen analysis and have 24 hour prep ($185)
- DH gets to give blood to test for communicable diseases (mine were good)($523x2)
- We will be signing all of our consent forms ($40 office visit)
- Going over how to administer injections and mix correctly
- I will be getting a sonohysterogram and doing a trial embryo transfer ($772)

NONE of these things are in our ARC package and are out of pocket. $2,043 is the amount we will need to come up with.

$11,456 ARC
$2,043 not covered so far
$185 (for semen analysis retrieval day)
$2,500 medication (give or take)
????  whatever else I have missed

$16,184 at this point. And if we don't win the 50% game we will have to spend more in medication for our FET. Then if we lose again... Well, I'm going to pretend that isn't going to happen.

I am choosing to live in the world where IVF works the first time for us and we get pregnant with twins. Then I will make it to at least 36 weeks and give birth to two amazing babies. Right now that is the world I need to be in to feel safe and less scared.

I've read a lot of kicking infertility's butt blogs lately, but I have also cried when reading the loss posts come across my feed as well. I feel real pain for these women and can't imagine how they truly feel because I have never been pregnant and lost a life. So I pray...

I have been so tearful today and I haven't even started the for real medications yet! I think that I am just overwhelmed with what is coming. I feel blessed that we are able to do this it's just a lot. Our anniversary is on Sunday and we are going to just do cards and maybe a meal out. Our anniversary, birthday, Christmas, new year and valentines gift to each other this year is IVF (and hopefully a baby)

Thank you for being a huge part of my support system. Today I need some positive thoughts.

Happy-Sad-Scared

I am somewhere in between happy, sad and scared. I think it is the anxiety I am having with our upcoming IVF cycle. My husband brought me back to earth this week. I have been saying things like "when" we get pregnant and "when" I am carrying your baby and this makes him uncomfortable. He reminded me of our 50-60% chance and that we aren't guaranteed to get a baby at the end our our struggle. So I told him that I was saying it to "will" it to happen.. to put those positive vibes out into the universe and not go into this process with a negative attitude. He told me that it is not being negative not saying those things, and we should hope for the best but prepare for the worse. His rationale makes perfect sense.

But I am not always a rational person, I live a lot of my life on Faith. Of course I know of our odds, and that we may not get a baby at the end of this journey. And I also know that I will be an emotional mess if this happens. I am keeping my Faith, I'm just going to bring a little more of the rational side out as well moving forward.

Lupron, menopur and bravelle shots start in a couple of weeks... We are getting closer!