Blah

That is the one word to describe me today. BLAH.

I am tired, cranky and still spotting. Per my fertility friend chart one of the two times we BD'd this month was the day before ovulation (if I ovulated). Per my temperature something was going on but my hopes are blah today along with the rest of me. My stupid progesterone levels are always so low and throw a wrench in our plans. I wasn't going to post today because I knew it would come out sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher (wa wa wa wa wa) but I did. Sorry friends!

Proud of me

One of my closest friends had the most beautiful baby boy on Friday night. We work together and so I have watched her belly grow, felt kicks and fell in love with him before he even came into the world. It is strange because I haven't felt as much pain with her pregnancy as I do with all the other pregnant women I encounter, a little jealousy perhaps but not the pain. I am guessing it is because of how much I love her and her three year old already and the new baby is just an extension of them.

Here is the pride part. When I was driving to the hospital I only felt excitement, when I walked into the waiting room happiness and when I got to walk in and see the baby my heart literally melted. I really thought that I would exhibit the ugly cry but I didn't. My girlfriend actually asked me last week if I was going to cry when I met him and I started crying just from her asking! So I'm pretty proud of myself. I did however take a moment to cry on the way home because I was feeling sorry for myself. I kept thinking that I may never get to experience that myself. Then I told myself to suck it up and just get over it because crying and stressing about it isn't going to help me get pregnant. I have been doing pretty good at staying positive and I am praying for positive feedback on 8/12 when I have my RE appointment.

Have a great Tuesday friends! I'm sending positive vibes your way today so let's kick infertility's ass and get us some babies!! Who's comin' with me???


If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

-Marcus Aurelius

The Buddha taught that we suffer because we cling. "Clinging" is defined as "holding on or pushing away," which are the same thing. Both require intense focus and energy.

ASSIGNMENT. Today notice how "your estimate" of a thing determines your experience of it. If your experience is suffering, revoke your estimate.

WTH

I am on CD21 and I am spotting. I am assuming it is because of my low progesterone but I haven't had bleeding this early in my cycle before. And it wasn't the little bit on the toilet paper bleeding, there are actual spots in my underwear (my nice underwear btw not the ones reserved for AF). I wish that my body could just figure shit out and make it happen. My cycle is usually 31-36 days and per my OPK and temping I ovulated around day 17 (if I ovulated). Dr. Google just make me crazy so I am not even going to ask him today.

I thought that my body had shown me every messed up scenario but I guess she decided to throw something else into the mix. Never a boring moment! I'm glad nobody was in the bathroom while I was in there because I said something colorful when I saw what happened to my nice undies. UGH!!

What do you guys think? Low progesterone? Has this happened to any of you?

UPDATE: brown and less (just on TP)

Just a little funny

"What if" wins

I have come to the conclusion in the TTC world that TMI doesn't really exist or matter. So since I know everyone was on pins and needles about my sex life (not) we took the "what if" mentality last night. I'm not sure that either of us will make "what if" work again tonight because as most of you know BD'ing isn't something to get excited about when it is forced. Don't get me wrong it is enjoyable but it isn't tear your clothes off and ravish each other enjoyable like the movies. I have always had a good appetite when it comes to wanting to have relations with my husband and a year ago I couldn't have even fathomed the thought of not wanting to do the deed. We are there now and I actually look forward to not forcing the act. If we were to have a miracle this month and conceive on our own I could be 100% fine with taking a three or four month sabbatical from sex. Who am I ?!?!? Oh ya, I'm a cray cray infertile on a baby making mission.

Digital smiley OPK

Do any of you use the clearblue easy digital OPK? I am pretty sure that my system is too messed up to use them. One month I had "flashing" smiley for around 15 days and it never went solid and then I skipped my period the next month. Then I tested again and got a circle the first day then a solid smiley the next day when I was around day 8 of my cycle, then I went in for a progesterone test and it came back a .02 so um.. didn't ovulate. This month I thought to myself "self, let's try this again". I started testing on cycle day 12 and got a circle, then CD13 flashing and CD14 solid smiley. Today is CD14 and the tester was still frozen on solid smiley from yesterday indicating that it is broken (great). I peed on the stick anyway so that I could look at the lines and the test line is actually darker than the other line. SO what's a girl to do.

I told my husband about my findings this morning but he is about as excited to BD tonight as me. For one thing we are at the stage where it feels like a job (a job that we suck at) and he thinks that we have a zero chance of making it happen on our own so "why try". I told him that we should at least put out the effort tonight and tomorrow night just in case we could get a free baby and cancel our appointment with the RE next month. He quickly changed the subject to something funny and we moved on from our talk. My sister and two nieces will be staying with us tonight as well so that also puts a damper on the already stellar mood so who knows what will happen. I also bought some preseed just to see if it helps keep his low count low motility swimmers alive a little longer.

If he keeps his "why try" mentality tonight there will be tears. Because I of course have the "what if" mentality and would BD every day for two weeks if I knew there was a chance. I guess only time will tell.

Insurance - Money - Treatment oh my!

My insurance covers NOTHING.. and by nothing I mean not a thing when it comes to infertility. I had the clinic I will be seeing send me an estimate of costs for IUI and IVF. I knew it would be over $10,000 for IVF and around $2,000 for IUI but when you actually see the numbers on paperwork it makes it super real. It is actually around 16k for the IVF and $1,700 for the IUI. These numbers scare me for so many reasons. The first reason being that I don't know how we are going to afford it but trusting that God will provide. The second reason being 16k doesn't guarantee us a baby. The third reason is that if we do move forward with IVF we can only justify one try. The fourth and final reason is if a miracle happens and we get pregnant after IVF we won't have any money for the stuff needed for baby. Actually the fourth reason doesn't bother me because if we have a baby I will borrow a bassinet and I have great family and friends so I'm sure diapers would be supplied at a shower and I am all in for hand me down clothes.

So I go back to the other three reasons.. I am sacrificing, saving and praying. My first prayer is that the doctor feels as if IUI could be an option even though my husband only has a count of 5.5 million. And if not I am am lifting my hands to God to guide me down this terrifying path. I have wanted to be a mom since I can remember and my heart breaks a little more each day with the thought of this not happening. I am doing my best at trying to relax at the moment because me stressing out more isn't going to help our current situation. I am also hoping for the Family Act, S 881/HR 1851 bill to pass in the US Senate and US House of Representatives that would create a tax credit for the out-of-pocket costs of IVF and fertility preservation for diagnosed with infertility. It was introduced in May 2013. If you would like to help contact your Senators and Representatives 

HERE

Halle Berry

“Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can’t do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you’re born. That’s one thing God got wrong.” – Halle Berry

Step one

Step one: Get a good clinic with a great RE

I left a message three days ago with a reputable fertility clinic, actually I have left two messages in three days with no call back. So I called another local clinic that has great reviews as well and they took my call right away and they were very kind and accommodating. My first appointment is August 12th and I had all of my medical records faxed over so that they are ready to go. I was told that the appointment would last an hour or so, but with my binder in tow it could take a little longer. I am excited to take this next step, or at the very least find out what the next step would be. 

 

I have been reading a lot online and it appears as if getting IVF would be our best option due to both of us having issues. We could swing a couple rounds of IUI, but I don't know if we can afford IVF even with my husbands stellar job. I am still working on getting a second job or investing in a little advertising for my photography business. On one of the blogs I follow I have noticed that the wife and husband designed a great logo so I may be emailing them to see if they would amp up my photography logo for me first before I spend the money. All that I am sure of at the moment is that my drive to be a mom is even stronger, and I am going to feed off of this strength to keep us going. If I have to work from sun up to sun down to make my dream a reality then I will.

 

Has anyone researched Mexico? I see that some have went that route with great success. IVF is around $6,500 in Cancun and that includes everything needed for the procedure along with room and board for 18 days. The only thing you have to pay for is the flight. I would love to hear if you have tried Mexico or if you have any horror stories. Please share!

My Mom

My mom is currently fighting cancer. She was diagnosed with a GIST (Gastrointestinal Stromal Tumor) and has been taking chemo pills to shrink the tumor before surgery. Cancer sucks and has really wore her out, but she is a fighter. Due to this fact I haven't told her about all of the struggles we have been going through. Last night I decided it was time. My mom is very religious and definitely has her ideas about things. 

Mom's advice: 1) Take a trip to Colorado because the high
                             altitude will help you to get pregnant            

                        2) Talk to my cousin's wife who has had seven
                             children and runs the Natural Family Planning at
                             the church

                        3) Don't run anymore

                       4) Relax and it will happen on God's time

I love my mom SO much, but her advice isn't something that is going to help me at the moment. The one part I do however agree with is God's time. God does have plans already written for me and I probably do need to relax. However relaxing alone isn't going to make my husband's sperm swim better and get my progesterone levels up to where they need to be. So I am trusting in God that the RE that we chose is going to help us to figure things out. I am over the tears of frustration and I am over the "poor me" mentality. It is go time and I want to get crap figured out! I have left two messages with a RE in our area and the clinic has yet to call me back which is probably not a good sign. I get that they are busy trying to make babies but really? I will give them to the end of the day today and if still nothing that is the sign I need to go to the other clinic in the area. 

Does anyone have a fast forward button??

Hold on

 

I will never give up! Infertility can kiss my ass!

Infertility and a teenager

As I have mentioned in an earlier post I have an almost 14 year old step daughter who I love like my own. She has been in my life for seven plus years and I am very thankful that I don't have to deal with "baby mama drama" because her bio is not involved. However lately it has been tough. I feel bad for her because I know she is just trying to figure things out, and I feel bad for her dad because of the stress it is causing him. Teenage girls are not for the faint of heart that's for sure. The talk back, the eye rolling, the why does everyone else on God's green earth get to do things but I don't comments. Dealing with a teenager and infertility is super fun. 

The hard part is that this stress is causing problems with our marriage and if things don't get better I'm scared of the outcome. My stepdaughter is my husband's top priority and he has to focus on making things better with her. So other areas have to be on the back burner right now. It has been a bad week. I am still trying to figure out what RE to go with and hopefully everything with her will just work itself out with time. Please keep us in your thoughts!

waiting - change - stupid AF

My husband is going to get blood work this week and then will meet with his urologist next week to go over everything. His semen analysis was faxed over to my doctor and she called me to review it. His actual sperm count is 55.5 million which sounds really great however his mobility is only 10% which takes that amount down to 5.5 million and his morphology didn't even have a number and she wasn't really sure how that happened. I guess we wait again for his doctor to explain the "whys". I am started to get better with the waiting, especially since there is nothing to do this cycle anyway. AF played peek-a-boo for a few days and then this morning WHAM! So once again. Day 1. 

My doctor told me yesterday that due to my husbands results and my issues she is referring me onto an RE. There are two great places locally but I am still reviewing their stats. Of course she also recommended Denver but I'm not sure that is in our budget. This is such a stressful decision because Denver's success rate with IVF for my age is over 70% and it it around 50% locally. So do we bite the bullet and pay extra for that 20%? Or do we go local to start and then go for Denver later? Because "what if" we end up paying more locally because it takes longer and just end up in Denver anyway? I have been adding a lot more to my notebook and I will be making a decision this week.

I have a great job, and my husband has a phenomenal job but money is still going to be an issue if we want to stay comfortable. SO I have started looking for a second job. I currently work in the financial industry but I will probably be looking at a sales position at a clothing store, Williams-Sonoma type of place or Restoration hardware. I may also be cleaning a few businesses a couple nights in the evening as well. Basically I will be working my ever living heart out in order to make this happen!!

Please pray for us, and if you are not a religious person just keep us in your thoughts and send positive vibes our way. 

Fertility treatments , the Catholic church and WTH

Per one of the Catholic message boards (oh I'm Catholic BTW)


"Clomid is completely acceptable to use. It only regulates your ovulation, which is fixing something that is not working right. The problem with IVF is that it denies the marital act and produces life without love. Clomid does nothing but fix your own system. I have asked many priests about this, and always been told it's ok. We used it to help conceive our son."

BULL-SHIT is all I have to say to the above comment. Or at least the part that says "The problem with IVF is that it denies the marital act and produces life without love". Obviously whover wrote this has not met couples struggling with infertility and wanting to have a baby. There is more love involved in their quest to be parents with IVF than a college girl getting pregnant durning a drunken one night stand.

I loved growing up in the church, and I still love the feeling when I leave mass on Sunday but I am struggling. I feel as if man has made the rules in the church and deemed what is and isn't okay not God. Now that we know my husband's count is extremely low we also know that either IUI, IVF or ICSI is in our near future. None of these are okay with God per the Catholic church. And then if we do IVF or ICSI what do we do with whatever fertilized eggs are left over? Per the church I would have already sinned from doing the procedure and then if we disposed of left over blastocysts ?!?!...  I know that I am majorly jumping ahead but that's what I do when thinking things through. So do I continue to go to the Catholic church and not believe in some of their teachings? Or do we start going to a different church? This is where I am at the moment. I would love to hear if any of you are Catholic and getting these procedures done.

We will move forward in this journey to have a baby together. In my heart I know that God will still love us and will guide our doctors to help us get pregnant. My world is spinning and I just want to be able to stand on solid ground again.

My husband will be getting his full report this week so that we have numbers, mobility and morphology. Since you still need a certain amount to do the IUI we won't know if we need to go straight to IVF until that point. And I'm not really sure what is going on with AF. She showed up each day but the amount was so small I really haven't been able to count any day as DAY ONE. I'm sure that stress and low progesterone has played a huge roll in this. I'm so glad that I love Dr. Sparkle so much because I have a feeling we will be seeing a lot of each other.

The results are in....

My husband just called me to let me know that he got his results. Per the doctor his count is extremely low, not just low but extremely low. He is going to call on Monday to schedule an appointment to go over the results and get some blood tests ran. It worries me that they didn't give him the number over the phone. So now we wait again for blood results and for the doctor to give him exact numbers. I really wish he would have asked him while they were on the phone, but I am the million questions asker not him. I left Dr. Sparkles a tearful message about what he was told so maybe she can get the exact numbers on Monday for me.

I know Mr. Lost is scared for more reasons than I want to get into and his way of dealing is to shut down and not talk about it. He also has the mentality that things can be fixed, however I know after all of my research that this is not the case. I love him and we will get through this however this was a major punch in the gut. I am not ovulating anyway so I guess it doesn't matter how many sperm he has at the moment.

I am reaching out to you guys so that I don't go crazy with Dr. Google. Are some low sperm counts fixable? Are there hormones he can take? Please help.

Tears

I AM SO EMOTIONAL. No results, but Dr. Sparkles said that she will make sure we have the results on Monday so that I can get started with my Clomid. I have just started this journey and I'm already crying about everything and AF doesn't help. I have been reading so many of your blogs and you are way further into this process and so it makes me feel like a dumb dumb for worrying this much already. I am worried about the Clomid side effects and that the Clomid won't work, and that my husbands counts are going to be low and we will be too late to get prepared for IUI this month or even worse he has NO swimmers. I am worried that at some point I will have to stick the PIO horse shot into my flesh numerous times because needles are tough for me.  I am worried that I will still be blogging two years from now with no baby and about to celebrate my 40th birthday. Worrying helps nothing, I get that but I can't shut it off. So I cry...

Yes, I am Debbie Downer today but hopefully I will be Sherry Sunshine tomorrow.

Happy 4th!

Happy 4th of July everyone. We don't have a lot planned except to have fun which I am ready for! Oh, and of course Aunt Flo showed up uninvited to the party today (bitch). Since life gave me some lemons  I am going to buy some Mike's hard lemonade. I have to work tomorrow and I keep drinks to the minimum so that my body stays ready for my future tenant so don't worry I won't be getting crazy.

Hopefully we get "swimming" news tomorrow.

Have a blessed and safe day!

AHHHHHHHHHH

NOPE. No news yet. I can't move forward with anything until we hear something. Sorry for the short post, but that's what I am today. Short (as in short fuse)

Still waiting

This is day three of waiting to hear back about my husbands swimmers. Patience is not a virtue that I hold and so it seems like it is taking forever. I know for a fact at this specific lab they test the sample within five minutes of receiving it and they only have a few men come in at that specific time. SO why does it take 3-5 days to analyze things? I am originally from a really small town and the reason I am telling you this is to preface the next thing I am about to tell you. I disclosed to my brother this weekend that we were getting tests ran and we were waiting for my husbands results. My brother told me that he knew a guy that took his sample to the local vet because it was a lot cheaper and they look at bull sperm all of the time. Hahhahhaha. Oh, wouldn't that be a story to tell. My brother also said "well we didn't have to worry about makin' a baby" "If there was a puddle of sperm in the bed she could roll over in it and get pregnant". It actually made me laugh because it is my brother, but wow.

Sometimes I have to laugh so that I don't cry through this journey but since I am super premenstrual this week it has been difficult. There has been a lot of "poor me" and I need to snap out of it and soon. I am usually a positive person so the "poor me" attitude is starting to piss me off, and I'm sure my husband doesn't love it either. I am going to relax on the 4th and enjoy my life, and then Saturday when we head to the lake I am going to relax and enjoy nature. So basically I am going to suck it up!

I am also going to be advertising a mini photo shoot where I live so a nice day of photography will really feed my soul with positivity as well. From the words of Gloria Gaynor I will survive!!

Bloglovin

I am now on Bloglovin since google reader is going away. You can find me HERE . Who wants to be my first follower????

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Emotional

I am SO emotional today. I am pretty sure that AF is right around the corner. I don't know why that stupid B has to come around when she is so unwanted, you would think she would eventually get the point. I am exhausted and craving everything bad for me as well. Why can't Auntie Flo come with a ten pound weight loss? At least if she brought that gift all of us infertile gals could look good in a bathing suite why we cry about not being pregnant. 

My brother his wife and their four boys came down this weekend and we had such a great time. It was nice to keep my mind distracted and love on them all. They are 4,7,13 and 15. My brother and sisters kids have my heart and I would do about anything for them. At church on Sunday the four year old was sitting between me and my husband and at one point I could feel the tears welling up inside but I kept them at bay. Watching them interact made our struggle that much more real for me. My almost 14 year old step daughter lives with us and I love her and call her mine so this may sound selfish but I want a child that is a part of the both of us as well. I want to look into our baby's eyes and see my husband's smile and my eyes. I want to hear someone call me mom. I am grateful for what I have but it still doesn't stop me from wanting more.

The results from my husband's affair with the cup should be in this week. I have been praying for good results but trying to get myself prepared if they are not.Oh, I also got a few of these ignoramus comments this weekend "when are you guys going to have a baby?" and "if you just relax it will happen" and "as soon as my cousin's , friend's, sister's vet's wife stopped trying it happened for them". Really?!?!? . Anyway... I'll make sure to give you guys an update as soon as I hear something. Ugh.